I LOVE beating dead horses... this one in-particular.

'Beating a dead horse' is absolutely without-a-doubt my favorite thing to do! I mean SERIOUSLY, if I did not spend 15 of my 17 waking hours every day (2 hours for miscellaneous food/bathroom breaks) tirelessly battering an obviously dead "HORSE"... then WHAT WOULD I DO? Invest that time in something PRODUCTIVE, or positive? Yeah right! Life is WAY too short for that. Eventually, I'll give this thing the proper burial it deserves. For now, I'll just play it safe and keep pummeling this horse while I'm still young and full of my best Potential. BESIDES, If I stop beating this dead horse... then someone else may ACTUALLY see me as a caring & loving human being who deserves to spend her time doing something OTHER than..... BEATING A DEAD HORSE.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Did I mention that by "beating a dead horse" I mean... exhausting myself in a relationship that may have been over years ago?

Sure, I know... let the PITY PARTY CONFETTI fly... I'm not the first to be in this awkward place. But, to everyone else I am the poster-child for being STRONG-WILLED and INDEPENDENT, when in actuality I'm just a weak-nerved 'horsebeater.'

The truth is... this irony exists because I'm also the poster child for innate goodness and I'm too damn stubborn to admit that I was wrong. I have fantasised for too long about what this relationship was suppose to be like... and now I can't separate the reality from the dream I've pieced together along the way. A marriage proposal hasn't happend. The drinking hasn't stopped. The AMBITION hasn't started... and I'm so fucking "sweet" that I blame myself. I'm so STUPID that I think in order to change him, I have to change ME. But, "ME" was fine before. If anything, I'm not even "me" anymore. I'm his version of "me"... and that's WORSE, because now I'm not even sure who THAT is.

GET YOUR INDEPENDENCE BACK SWEEETheart. What am I waiting for? Oh right.. I'm waiting for that fantasy to happen. What's meant to be will be. If he realizes it later, great. If he doesn't, SO WHAT! My independence.... my heartbreak.... IT HAS TO BE... IT HAS TO BE... IT HAS TO BE BETTER.... than beating a dead horse.